Hello to all, Hello to myself,

The one thing that I have consistently observed so far about this daily writing exercise… is that I don’t feel like writing or thinking about my thoughts.  Each day, when I sit down to write… I don’t want to…  I don’t want to try, or I don’t want to dig into something internal, or I don’t want to listen, or I just judge my simple thoughts as unworthy.

It is not that I don’t want to participate in this journey.  I am very excited to be doing this ‘daily writing of my thoughts’.  I am ever curious as to what I may learn and how I might grow.

I wonder at times throughout the day about what storm of interesting thoughts will hit me today that are worthy of sharing in this blog.  As my day goes about it’s normal activities and routines, I occasionally think to myself that I cannot wait to engage in the thoughtful exercise of this “thought journey” later tonight.  Then, when later tonight is here… all I can think about is that I am too tired for this ‘significant’ effort.

I am so busy with all the flutterings of my ‘stuff’-filled day that the number one thing I don’t want to do is spend time with my mind.  The concept of ‘not spending time with the mind’ sounds like a fundamentally good thing… like I would be striving for something more spiritual, like a stillness, a calm existence without externally influenced mind activity.  But, that is not what I feel… I think that is what I wish for… but, in the present moment of angst, I just want to turn everything off.  I want to shut down.

I tell myself that is the cowards way out.  If I am not willing and open to engaging then I lose and my ego wins.

I know my desire to not engage is driven by fear and my ego.  I know that is the opposite of what I truly want to do.  This internal opposition, to my daily thought journey, is not an attempt at being present with the world.  It is not an effort to see myself as separate from the thoughts and pains of the mind.  It is not part of a process of dis-identification.  It is me unplugging, it is me dis-connecting.  I know that there is no sustainable benefit or growth from this exercise of avoidance.  Tomorrow, I will just reconnect.  I will not be any further along the path.  I will be right here, right where I left myself.

I feel like I am resisting myself, resisting the nothing…  I am using all of my something to resist a force that doesn’t exist.  If I were to yield, then I would likely look around… and as the dust settles… I would see that there is nothing fighting back, there is just me and the river.  The river is just a river.  It knows that.

Thank you for being, Michael.