Hello to all, Hello to myself,

Today, I did a ‘forgiveness’ meditation.  I am super new to meditation.  I have not participated in a guided meditation, yet.  And prior to today, I have only done a breathing awareness meditation.  This was the first exercise with a specific focus beyond stillness and centering.  I got the forgiveness mediation from a book that I recently finished.  The book is “Bringing Home the Dharma” by:  Jack Kornfield.  There are three meditation practices described at the end of the book.  I tried this one today.

(Sidenote:  I don’t intend to plug things as I feel that I am not a resource for whatever is good or bad.  But, I will probably share my take on some things that I personally experience or encounter.  Please don’t misinterpret my sharing of something as a suggestion of what is good or bad.  My opinions are worth every penny that this blog costs you to read.  That said, I thought this book was terrific.  Certain parts spoke directly to my soul.  He covers the topic of parenting in one chapter.  I was so moved with joy and clarity after reading that piece.  I started crying with happiness, it was like reading the clear fulfillment of the parent I want to be… and the member of my community I hope to be.)

The forgiveness meditation covers three focused components to the practice.

1. Asking for Forgiveness from those you have harmed.
2. Offering Forgiveness to yourself for the harm that you caused to yourself.
3. Offering Forgiveness to others for the harm that they have caused you.

I found each phase to be interesting in how I experienced them quite differently.

In asking for others forgiveness, I felt a very genuine level of release with the individuals that I addressed.  When I first started this part of the meditation, I thought that I would be sitting and rattling off the list of injured parties that I have left in my wake for at least a couple of hours.  But, after I went through the people that came to mind that I have deeply wronged… I realized that the list was not as vast as maybe I have felt reasonable for in my mind.  I am sure that, as I repeat this meditation in the future, I will recall more sufferers by my hand.  However, for this day… I was happy to sit calmly with this plea for their forgiveness and to acknowledge that I hurt these individuals.  I felt like I was opening up to them unguarded and bearing my chest open… releasing my control or extending myself to their whim.  I felt that in giving myself up to them that it did not matter what they chose to do with me… they could do whatever they wanted and I felt accepting of whatever they would choose.  I felt open.

In the offering of forgiveness to myself, it was a bit tougher of an experience.  I felt a sense of sympathy for the earlier versions of myself that had to suffer because of my own doing.  I am not sure how this portion of the meditation is supposed to play out, but I was feeling sad for the countless versions of my past self that had to suffer my cruelty.  I was able to acknowledge that the suffering I caused was out of pain, fear, anger, and confusion… thus, I was able to forgive myself in an honest and compassionate way.  However, I still see a lot of work to be done on this level of forgiveness and understanding.

In the offering of forgiveness to others that have harmed me, I was impressed with how easy and ‘without resistance’ I was able to go through a list of people that I have held such strong and deep resentment for in my heart for so long.  I was just so “of course, I forgive you” in this effort.  It seemed so clear and right.  I felt a true sense of release during this phase of the forgiveness meditation.  The list of individuals was not long but the pain that I have been holding inside from this core group carries the weight of an army of torturers.  I don’t feel fully free of this pain, but I do feel like I took the backpack off of my shoulders and set it on the ground.  I still see it lying there, but the shackles that had been securing it to my body are gone.  I hope that I am able to retain this clarity and sense of forgiveness.

All in all, it was a thankful and hopeful exercise.  I have a long way to go in the journey of forgiveness.  I don’t think that I accomplished anything earth shattering today in my meditation, but I feel like I opened something… I feel like I walked through a great wall.  I intend to revisit this meditation in the future, again and again.  I have a lot opportunities for forgiveness in my life.  I am glad to be taking advantage of that opportunity today.

Forgiveness is certainly something that I need to spend more time with.  Today was a good start.

Thank you for being, Michael.